We Heard It at Church!

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Things we've heard in churches: sometimes funny, sometimes horrifying, sometimes pathetic:

1. "We aren't supposed to do it the right way, we're supposed to do it Jesus' way!"
2. (During sermons) "What Jesus was trying to say was . . . ."
3. (During sermons) "What Jesus meant to say was . . . ."
4. "Well, literally the Bible doesn't mean that..."
5. "G-d helps those who help themselves. I don't know where it is, but I know it's scripture."
6. I didn't hear this one myself, but I heard of it: "The Bible says cleanliness is next to godliness." "No, it doesn't, brother." "It doesn't? . . . Well, it oughta be in there."